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Posted by Ash on September 16th, 2008 in Parker Paisley

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We have a new addition here at Paisley Goddess!
We wish to introduce you to Parker Paisley and her “Heart of the Matter” column.
Our adventurous Parker Paisley loves to travel, eavesdrop, investigate and tag along in order to bring you introspective, sometimes humorous, always informative, commentary on life.

So, without further ado…..Welcome Parker Paisley!

Greetings!
I am very excited as I have just been given a new life! My life started out on a shelf in a really cute shop in My Airy, Maryland.
I was taken home by the Paisley Goddess herself and deemed to be her roving, paisley clad site muse! Wow!
I will take my job very seriously…
And now to my first “Heart of the Matter” column.

As you can see, I am here on the dining room table, awaiting family members to arrive, food to be served and the eating to commence.
Why is this one special?
Well, this particular meal brings together three families. The family matriarch and her two sons and their families.
They don’t get to see each other a whole lot, as miles separate them.
But, I’ll let you in on a little secret (which is what my job is all about)

This is to be a nerve wracking, somewhat awkward gathering. I’m sure you’ve ‘been there, done that‘ a few times yourself. It can be called the dysfunctional family gathering.
Of course I won’t go into any detail, but basically the story goes that someone in the family has lied, broken laws and really hurt someone else and is causing much grief and pain within the family. That person will be present at this meal. That person refuses to be accountable for their actions and, well, some co-dependent denial is going on as well.
We will call them family number one.
Let me tell you, being the resin ‘fly on the wall’ during that meal was a trip! Everyone trying to be nice, there were silly topics discussed just to keep it light and bearable. Several members didn’t say much or anything at all; they felt talking as if nothing was wrong was just not right.
I suppose if this had been another family at another table, maybe the discussion would have been sarcastic, someone might have brought up their feelings of anger or pain. Yelling could have ensued, maybe even a food fight. It could have gone so many different ways.
How should something like this be handled? Is there a rule book out there with instructions on how to deal with this stuff?

Meanwhile, at the same time, one state over another family was gathering. We will call them family number two. They were gathering because a beloved daughter was murdered.  A young daughter, sister, friend, and niece has been lost to a violent act of passion. Siblings of the beloved daughter were going to be coming back home for the first time in many, many years. There would be family gathering who, up to that point, had not spoken to one another in many many years. They were coming together under very painful circumstances. But, they too would be sitting  around a dinner table, trying to talk and share in an awkward, heart-breaking manner.

There is someone sitting with family number one who has a connection between both of these families. As she watches and feels the tension around  the table where she sits, she is also thinking about the tension that must be going on around the other table. She also recollects the situation with her own sibling whom she no longer speaks to because of a very painful event that ended her trust in that sibling. She may never get to sit at the same table around a meal with her sibling.

The words to Don Henley’s song ‘The Heart of the Matter’ seems appropriate for all involved within all of these families and the crisis they are all going through.

…”I’m learning to live without you now,
But I miss you sometimes.
The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again.
I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
…these times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
…people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can one survive in such a graceless age?

The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things we kill, I guess.
Pride and competition
cannot fill these empty arms.
There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on.
You keep carryin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside.
I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter…
I’m thinkin about forgiveness…

Life is messy. Families are messy. There is no guidebook for how to sit around the tables and deal with the messiness.
Mostly, you just muddle through.
Your hearts break, you feel anger, sadness and loss. You ponder forgiveness. You sometimes wish the people in your family could be different.
But, if they were and if there was never any heart break, anger, sadness or loss, you wouldn’t be human and let me tell you, from my viewpoint as this little resin figurine, I see the ones that are alive, breathing and getting to eat around these crazy tables as the lucky ones.
You may be connected by blood or marriage to a family, but you are each your own person with your own beliefs, feelings, wounds and viewpoint.
There is no other you out there. (there are hundreds of me!)
And what you go through and experience day to day in your life creates the essence of who you are. How you deal with the messiness creates the essence of who you are.
All over the world, around thousands of tables, families deal. And I, little Parker Paisley, who gets to watch, thinks that the heart of the matter is this: The times when you gather and share a meal with family where you laugh, love and embrace all the goodness and joy in life wouldn’t be as sweet or as special if you had not traversed the messy times.

With heart,
Parker Paisley

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